Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
