WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
