I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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