I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
