Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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