Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
