so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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