overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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