My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
