Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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