I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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