she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
