Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
