I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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