I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
