ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
