all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
