This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
