apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
