he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
40s are totally the cure
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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