are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
