I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
