i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
