There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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