look no pants
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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