dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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