Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
