Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
