it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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