i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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