so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
