I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
