How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
