i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
