If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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