I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
