Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
