Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
