Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
