No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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