I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
