i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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