Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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