??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
