Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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