I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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