If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
