Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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