Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
