I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
