I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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