So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
