I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You left your phone here
Wait...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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