Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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