i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
