You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
