Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Alive.
So much puke
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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