Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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