I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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